How do you cope when you see somebody you love suffer, but no matter what you do, they just won’t talk about it? Ugh…
I am a talker. I vent and rant when it all gets too much. I have no problem telling the person closest to me what’s crawled up my cranky ass (unless they are the cause of the frustration, then I’m quiet as a mouse…Until I eventually explode) My point is, when the outside world pisses me off, I open up and share the hate without any difficulty. Unfortunately, my beloved does not.
My upbringing was open and honest, sometimes too much! I came from stock that valued the “tell me all about it and you’ll feel much better” ethos. I have always believed talking about things helps get your head around the problem and see a different perspective. So, I don’t understand how people can bottle up their stress for days, months, years or sometimes forever! What the fuck is that all about? Are they nursing it? Is their pain under head-arrest? Are they afraid of suffering from crippling loneliness when it’s out? Maybe it’s a pride thing.
In this particular situation, pride seems to be a strong factor. My partner comes from a family that firmly believed in the “ignore the problem and it will go away” ethos. I suppose in a sense it’s like we’re coming from two different faiths. There is irony in that because neither of us are at all religious. I am probably guilty of pride myself because I want to be the one he turns to (if I am completely honest). I crave the intimacy but when he’s all wound up the last thing he wants to do is talk about it.
So, what to do? My guy has been withdrawn and agitated for a while now but only intermittently. He still has a good giggle, has moments where he’s full of fun and talks about the future but then there’s a big grey cloud patiently reading the paper behind him waiting for it’s next scene. “You’re on in FIVE, Mr Cloud, Sir… Make-Up!” There’s just something niggling there. He knows it (well, d’uh!), he knows I know and I know he knows I know, but when asked about it, he just shrugs it off and says “…Just life things…!
Ohhh… life things… Right you are. I’ll just leave that alone then… Ha! Will I FUCK?!!!!
The other problem is that my man is annoyingly considerate of my feelings (I know, the nerve of some people), and is well aware of the fact that I am a professional worrier. So, he thinks he’s being kind by being all manly and keeping his problems to himself. Jesus Christ Enough with the consideration, man! I’m tearing my hair out here!!! Would punching him in the face to make him talk so that he’ll feel much better in the long run help? No? No takers?? Okay then. I won’t.
In my mind all of the following has happened. He has just found out he has thirteen and-a-half full grown children, he has lost all our money to armed bandits, he is in the witness protection program and has just been discovered, he has found God then put him down somewhere and can’t remember where the hell he left him, he has been accused of some diabolical crime and fears for his innocence and freedom, Oh shit! I know… he’s Batman! Eureka!
In reality, the stress is probably work related, very mundane and definitely falls under the category of “life things” like he said, but I may never know and that’s tough to accept. I have so much admiration for the cool customers like him who can just let things go and not probe for answers. I struggle with that (as you may have gleaned from the above. If not, I think you read it wrong!!). I feel like I must help. Always! I really have to get over myself with that bullshit!!
How do you try not to help someone you love without going crazy?
Enter the Gurus with your wisdom and knowledge… Do you prefer to keep stresses inside? and if so, for the love of God, why?
Josephine Blue x